Every Celebrity Treasure Island contestant, ranked
The reality superfans at The Real Pod look back at the last three seasons of Celebrity Treasure Island and mercilessly rank each and every celebrity.
Celebrity Treasure Island might just be the best reality show Aotearoa has ever produced. Where else would you see a Dame necking a crayfish and barfing mid-interview, a gold medal Olympian knocking around in a coconut bra or an All Black great talking about gay rights?
Over at The Real Pod, The Spinoff’s weekly reality television and popular culture podcast, we’ve watched and recapped every season of Celebrity Treasure Island (since the 2019 reboot) with glee. Now that the show has come to an end for another year, and with not one but TWO seasons planned for 2023, it’s the perfect time for us to crack open our monolith of secrets and reveal our rankings.
A note on metrics: The judges arrived at these results via a complex algorithm based on different weighting for each contestant’s gameplay, how far they made it through the competition, their overall impact and entertainment value. Then we argued about it all and moved things around. The judges’ decisions are final and correspondence will not be entered into.
Listen to The Real Pod ranking positions 58-21:
58) Mike King
For someone at the helm of the Mike King Women’s Alliance, the man used some extremely sexist and bad vibes language in his short time on the show. He called Melodie Robinson a cow, Karen O’Leary a bitch and said that Courtenay Louise had an annoying voice. In the words of Karen O’Leary: “I have no time for that, there’s no value in being like that, and I don’t think it has a place in our society.” In the words of Jane Yee: “He self-eliminated but that’s not why he’s at the bottom. He’s at the bottom because he behaved badly.”
57) Lana Van Hout
Light your own candle in the wind as we remember Alex Casey’s touching words after middle distance runner and fitness influencer Van Hout went Van Out of the show:
“Goodbye Lana Van Hout
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to wear a blouse
And you never caught a trout”
56) Perlina Lau
Despite being a wonderful person in real life, Perlina tragically faded into the CTI background. Her one shining moment was when she tried to mouth the word “note” to Dame Susan Devoy, only for it to “just seem like she was going no, no, no,” the judges said.
55) Anna Simcic
The Olympic swimmer’s repertoire of polite expressions like “jeepers creepers” and “holy moly” made the judges wonder: has a dirty word ever passed Anna Simcic’s lips? Also, she didn’t swim as well as we thought she would, which according to Jane is “a huge, huge problem.”
54) Huriana Manuel
Sadly the Black Fern was eliminated in week two of the 2021 season, beaten by eventual winner Chris Parker. “I don’t remember anything other than she fought hard to drop five balls into a hole,” Jane says. Could be time for the Black Ferns to conquer CTI in 2023?
53) Tammy Davis
The actor and radio presenter had a lovely holiday until he was eliminated by Candy Lane, but the judges felt Davis showed contempt towards some of his fellow celebrities. Specifically women, specifically Angela Bloomfield, specifically after she committed the heinous crime of wanting Team Honu to talk to each other. “She wasn’t asking them to do a gratitude circle and cry together,” Jane says. “She just was like, ‘Well, hey, how many kids you got?’ You know, she just wanted them to get to know each other, and he found that repugnant for some reason.” Outrageous Fortune, indeed.
52) Sam Wallace
Sam Wallace may have won in 2019, but someone who has never seen The Lion King will never rank higher than #52. Wallace’s CTI journey was full of drama, mostly because he pissed off everyone from Ladi6 to Matty McLean, the Mufasa to Wallace’s Scar. As Duncan notes, “there’s a line with villainy where you’re just actually being a dick, and Sammy might have crossed it.” Or, in the words of Wallace himself: “I think I am a fool. I like fools. Fools are my type of people. But I do NOT suffer idiots.”
51) Casey Frank
Would be number one if he had bothered to sneak inside the monolith for a peep show. Better luck next time.
50) Eds Eramiha
Very muscly, gone too soon, left us with this immortal line: “They ain’t losses, they’re lessons.”
49) Art Green
Spent a lot of time shirtless (good) but eliminated early in 2021 (bad) by puzzle queen Brynley Stent in a tense game of rolly-polly-bally-ropy. It was all Richie Barnett’s fault for putting Green up for elimination at the last minute, and Green left nothing behind but a pair of fetching shorts that Chris Parker wore on his jaunty ride to CTI victory.
48) Eric Murray
The Olympic rower gave us a series of enduring images: Eric Murray in a self-styled coconut bra, Eric Murray drooling charcoal toothpaste, Eric Murray plaiting some lovely damper bread. The judges’ verdict? “A bit of a villain, can’t really remember why”. Seems fair.
47) Zac Guildford
The former All Black was the first to be booted off the island when the show was rebooted back in 2019. “No regrets, but a few decisions I would have tweaked,” Guildford said.
46) Johnny Tuivasa-Sheck
Add this one to the CTI book of motivational sayings: “It’s time to nut up or shut up.” Words to live by.
45) Moses McKay
According to Judge Jane, CTI pulled opera singer (and soon to be Bachelor NZ) Moses “out of the rest homes where he sang with Sol3 Mio, and into the greater public understanding.” Alex says, “unfortunately, the only enduring image is him cutting his own long toenails with a machete”. Less Sol3 Mio, more Toe3 Mi-Ow.
44) Guy Montgomery
The comedian made a huge impact with his “pilots over pirates, baby” quote, but was sadly eliminated in the controversial “children of the corn” challenge in week one. “The corn didn’t come through for him in this instance,” Jane said. A tragedy for all involved.
43) JJ Fong
Gave us the biggest wasabi spew the show has seen, and also provided one of the judges’ favourite CTI lines ever as she departed the show: “Cook your own rice, bitches!”
42) Cassie Roma
Described by Duncan as the “emotional bellwether” of the show, the self-described Kindness Warrior self-eliminated before she could truly step into her potency. She did, however, make the fatal mistake of trusting Mike King and revealing everything about the women’s alliance. “Maybe he has like Mr Organ-level mind control power,” Duncan wondered of The King.
41) Joe Naufahu
Another self-elimination, as Naufahu went home to be with his sick mum. Very admirable, very sad, saved Kimberly Crossman in the process.
40) Ladi6
While Sam Wallace made himself a fetching coconut bra, Ladi6 was busy organising a female coup. “She was an early adopter of the anti-Sam Wallace vibe,” said Alex. Viva la revolution.
39) Te Kohe Tuhaka
He gets points for knocking out an Olympian, but our panel were baffled by his assertion that he “doesn’t feel physical pain” and also the fact that he talked over Iyia when she was captain. Boo.
38) Iyia Liu
The boss babe packed a lot into her time on the island, including excellent eyelash extensions. Did she throw the final elimination challenge? We’ll never know, but she did utter the iconic and always relevant line “Lynette is cheating”.
37) Lily McManus
Lily got medi-vac’d out of camp, had Chizzo at her bedside, and was eliminated by failing to build a tall enough cat tower. Despite this hectic time, the judges reckoned Lily is “basically as close to a Normie as you’re likely to get on the show.”
36) Tegan Yorwarth
She broke two toes for the cause, which is possibly the worst injury of the new CTI wave. But Yorwarth’s best work was boosting the legend of “the poo cave”, which was especially weird once we learned they have portaloos.
35) Barbara Kendall
The self-proclaimed “Mama bird” notoriously made very scary Pennywise the Clown faces during the “pineapple in a box” challenge, and even more famously upset Matty McLean. “She was a savage player,” said Jane. “I remember her just being a force to be reckoned with.”
34) Kimberley Crossman
Got a second chance after being saved by Joe Naufahu in the elimination arena. Wore Ugg boots on the beach, which is definitely a statement. About what? We’ll leave you to ponder that.
33) Melodie Robinson
“Melodie was part of the incredible holy trinity of Lynette Forday and Dame Suzie D, which just had so much chaos and open disagreement that it was just incredible TV,” said Duncan. “She was also the lead Spice Girl to Ron Cribb’s Backstreet Boys,” added Alex. Alas, the rest of the competitors saw her for the huge threat she was, and she was sent home after refusing to stand on a box. We’ve all been there.
32) Richie Barnett
One half of the epic “rugby vs league” elimination battle, where he was sent home by a spritely 63-year-old Sir Buck Shelford. Also put his muscly buddy Art Green up for elimination in a shock twist. “He was a villain but but I don’t think he would have understood that or would maybe even accept it now,” said Duncan. “He was very intense to the point of happily sort of sabotaging his own team to their faces based on his weird code of Celebrity Treasure Island.”
31) Rosanna Arkle
“It was so cool that they cast someone who was on The GC, this forgotten relic of New Zealand pop culture history that, when it is remembered, is derided,” said Alex. “Not only was she dusting off this old reality show, she was actually a megawatt Instagram star with 4.7 million followers.” Never forget her incredible turn in the wriggle-the-biscuit-from-forehead-to-mouth challenge, where her biscuit remained still due to an excess of Botox in her face. Classique.
30) Shimpal Lelisi
A lovely man who seemed to have a lovely time, whether he was noshing down on Tim Tams at sunrise with Dame Susan Devoy, or chopping up pineapple with a heavy French accent. “When he did the pretend weightlifting thing to remember Eds? That’s like a top 15 comedy moment from the season,” ruled Duncan.
29) Karl Burnett
“This is who you want to be on Treasure Island,” decried Alex. “You want to be the person tied up in the challenge but then your team forgets and leaves you there moping about in a Street Fighter T-shirt.”
28) Joe Daymond
One quarter of the Awesome Foursome alliance, the comedian had a #brave encounter with Jim the possum, but was slightly overshadowed by the strong personalities of Lance, Brynley and Chris. The judges did respect when he splashed Chris during the infamous boating challenge.
27) Shane Cameron
Aside from Mr Cameron reusing the same joke 100 times, the main enduring memory that bristles through our headwheat is when Shane Cameron spelt the fake word HEADWHEAT during a challenge. Head. Wheat. Headwheat! Headwheat? Headwheat.
26) Angela Bloomfield
Led the Ovary Agreement, in many ways the first wave of explicit feminism on CTI. The Ovary Agreement walked so that the Mike King Women’s Alliance could… stumble.
25) Matty McLean
A superfan of the show who will be remembered for two memorable moments from the 2019 season. “Mostly that he doesn’t have to prove himself to Barbara Kendall,” said Jane Yee. “And also for that amazing shot where he looks like a swamp monster.”
24) Alex King
The youngest contestant ever on the show who was a reliable source of commentary in the 2022 series. “She talked about being hangry a lot that in the game quite early on, which I think is quite relatable,” ruled Alex (a different Alex).
23) Karen O’Leary
“Incredible narrator,” said Duncan. “Very, very funny, but also she had a little bit of that ‘I’ll just say things’ quality that really helped drive the interpersonal drama.” Plus, we will never not call her Karen O’Teary as long as we all shall live, amen.
22) Lana Searle
“I didn’t know Lana at all before this show,” said Jane. “But I’ve since found out that Jason Gunn once spat chia seeds into her mouth.” No further comments.
21) Joel Rindelaub
“It pains my heart that he didn’t stumble into the top 20,” said Jane. “But he did stumble through an elimination apparatus.” Not only did the celebrity scientist stack it in the area, but he also stacked up heaps of awkward chats, alliances and raps. “He got labelled ‘the weird uncle’ and I think he embraced it completely,” said Alex. “In many ways, that was his strength, because no one could figure him out.”
Listen to The Real Pod ranking the top 20:
20) Jess Tyson
“Admittedly, she was quite earnest,” mused Duncan. “But I think that you need a character like that and she spoke incredibly compellingly about her charity and her experiences in a really open way. You can’t all be crack up comedians, you need some Jess Tysons.” Alex was quick to point out that she did have fun with footwear. “To be fair, she did wear socks and jandals on the beach repeatedly. That’s a bit of banter, is it not?”
19) Dylan Schmidt
“This is all we remember of Dylan Schmidt: female body inspector,” said Alex. “I have to challenge you on something,” says Jane. “I’d like you to cast your mind back to one magical moment where there was a entire body flip on a tiny little rebounder trampoline.”
18) Cam Mansel
“He had that quality where he felt like he was representing the viewer in terms of his responses to the celebrities doing weird things,” says Duncan. “He was such a great commentator who really came into himself,” agrees Jane. “And he had this amazing friendship with Susan Devoy.” Also, he’s a big fan of The Real Pod and an even bigger fan of chicken nuggets.
17) Athena Angelou
An underdog of the 2019 who became known as “the pocket rocket” for being a challenge beast, especially at puzzles. She opened up about her experience being a young, homeless mum, she pined loudly for a chocolate bar and she made it all the way to the final five before getting eliminated alongside Shannon Ryan.
16) Lynette Forday
“The person who was a fish out of water in the most extreme way possible,” said Alex. “The woman had 35 kaftans. She had an inflatable coat hanger. She had that weird washing bag.” She brought the luxury, but she also brought the drama. “She was integral to that really combustible early part of the show,” said Duncan. “You really needed her and Susan and Mel to be just kind of basically freaking out non-stop to really make the thing work.”
15) Jodie Rimmer
We can never forget that haunting rubber duck mask. “She was just such a bizarre kind of Crazy Aunty archetype romping around the island,” said Alex. Whether it was making herself vomit to stay in the competition or spying on Eric Murray in the bushes, we still stan a shouty_pirate (her Instagram handle).
14) Brynley Stent
“An incredible player gone too soon,” says Jane. “Brynley Stent was the original puzzle queen.” Remembered for sending Art Green home, running up the beach to hug her buddy Chris Parker and tossing Tim Tams over the rocks. Viva la Stent.
13) Shannon Ryan
The true mastermind of season one, who survived four elimination battles but ultimately lost the war. “She was a huge threat,” said Jane. “She knocked two Olympians out of the competition and there has got to be a record for going up for elimination four times.” There was also praise for her “amazing aura” throughout the show, which the judges ascribed begrudgingly to her yoga and wellness background.
12) Gary ‘The Wiz’ Freeman
“The biggest hat not only in this game, but in human history,” said Alex, who also enjoyed his crushed-water-bottle-neck technique during the biscuit challenge. For Jane, “the funniest thing about the Wiz was that I’m not even sure he knew that he was on Celebrity Treasure Island.”
11) Ron Cribb
Duncan’s enduring memory of Ron Cribb is “tiny Speedos, and a lot of Cribb.” Alex and Jane both remain in awe of his performance during the slip-and-slide challenge, where he stopped himself with his forehead after sliding right off the edge of the tarpaulin and basically 300km down the road. “I’ll never forget that vision of him running towards that slip and slide and feeling like he was going to burst through my screen,” said Jane.
10) Courtenay Louise
All panelists were in agreement that Courtenay Louise was one of the most tremendous and “wildly entertaining” competitors in Celebrity Treasure Island history. “She was a savage player, said Jane. “She was also an extreme actor when it came to her masterminding the Joel elimination.” The judges also commended her commitment to billowy white pants throughout the series, even when noshing down on red wine and pasta. Brave.
9) Sir Wayne ‘Buck’ Shelford
Buck started off as a Weekend at Bernie’s tribute act but began to prove himself after knocking out Richie Barnett and forming an awesome oldies alliance with Candy Lane. “It’s dog eat dog,” he said after Repo argued around the campfire, “and I’m a big dog, I can eat a lot of meat.” As he mellowed out and opened up through the show, Duncan said the series once again proved its potency in showing different sides to our celebrities.
“He was like a warrior hardman who famously had one of his nuts fall out of his nutsack,” he said. “To see all these different aspects of his character with all these different types of New Zealander is a big part of why that 2021 season just took on this particular special quality.”
8) Candy Lane
She smuggled spices onto the island in her makeup palette, revealed herself to be a former shoe shop assistant and got everyone jiving on the beach, but Candy Lane is remembered for starting a crucial conversation about how older women are overlooked. “She was so compelling when she talked about that,” said Duncan. “She’s a professional dancer and businesswoman so she should by rights had been considered both a threat and a massive asset.”
It is also worth mentioning her iconic outburst to Edna, where she said “there isn’t enough room in your mouth for my words.” ‘Tis something we still mull over to this day.
7) Siobhan Marshall
“This woman had an arc,” hollered Jane. “Much like Cam Mansel she started out pretty low-key, pretty quiet and just really came into her potency.” Siobhan proved herself to be the new puzzle queen and also the master of the social game, collecting alliances “like stickers” and forever reminding us that the biggest threat was not Jesse, but Jesse Tuke.
6) Edna Swart
“She was extremely underestimated and mischaracterised from the jump,” said Duncan. “She was the stereotypical vapid influencer with not a lot going on, and she had to fight the whole way.” Making it to the final three by knocking out an ex-All Black at an endurance challenge, the Boss Babe proved herself to the nation and then some. Props for also negotiating not one but two phone calls home and also innovating the crushed-Tim-Tams-into-rice dessert.
5) Jesse Tuke
A whippet, a weapon and a winner. “He was able to make friends with a lot of people, while completely shafting them in the nicest way,” said Jane. “Ultimately, his physical prowess just couldn’t be argued with.” He cracked the monolith, buried the treasure, spun some confusing Harry Potter yarns and came away with the money for his charity Live Ocean. You’ve also got to respect the ongoing commitment to sun safety.
4) Lance Savali
Simply the coolest person to ever grace the island, and one hell of a social strategist. “This guy was our first example of someone who could just be friends with everyone, confuse everyone and just ‘nice guy’ his way through it, while actually being a really masterful player,” said Jane. Judge Duncan praised his ability to “just play the goddamn game and then have fun while doing it.” Final word on Lance goes to Alex, who simply concluded “he was like The Joker”.
3) Elvis Lopeti
Elvis running down the beach, dead last, wearing a crop top and screaming “mate ma’a Tonga” was one of the best TV moments of the year from a true superstar. “What an incredible onscreen talent,” said Jane.”Just too much entertainment for me to cope with, so funny and so fun.” While Elvis brought a lot of sass and twerking to the party, he wasn’t afraid to call out Courtenay for crying crocodile tears and Jesse for… having a hairy chest. “Elvis was just so relatable,” said Alex. “When he’s running through the brambles at final three screaming about the spiders and how much he hates everything? That’s what we want to see.”
2) Dame Susan Devoy
“There’s probably been no other person that has gone into this show [or any show] and shattered their public persona in such a way as Dame Susan Devoy,” said Alex. From her litany of memorable quotes including “Jim’s got a big vag” and “eyes like pissholes in the snow”, the Dame shocked and delighted us week in, week out. But there was one thrilling mid-interview moment that particularly stuck with vomit-phobe Jane. “I can’t get past someone who does a vom, in the middle of an interview, after smashing an entire crayfish. To me, that’s hero status.”
1) Chris Parker
The finale of Celebrity Treasure Island 2021 is the greatest television finale of all time, largely thanks to Chris Parker’s incredible comeback. While Edna and Lance were already at the site of the buried treasure, Chris was miles back, extremely lost in the bush, bleeding from the lip, glasses askew, praying to Mariah Carey. “The one thing I am good at is perseverance,” he told himself/the country, before pushing through and catching up with his fellow competitors.
What happened next was one for the history books – Chris assessed the areas of dense grass around the site, remembered how hard it was to remove when he was gardening at his old flat, and immediately started digging elsewhere. His shovel hit the treasure chest with a satisfying “doof”, and he collapsed into tears as his fellow competitors helped him excavate the $100,000 cash prize for Rainbow Youth. “That’s so good,” he wept. “That’s so good.”
Listen to The Real Pod’s 2021 CTI winner’s interview with Chris Parker:
It wasn’t just the finale though – Chris gave us hilarious commentary, tearful moments of vulnerability, important reflections on representation and an extremely deft strategic game throughout the 2021 season. “He’s kind of like the figurehead of it all now. He’s enmeshed so much with the show because of the way that he won and because of the messaging that he put across during his time there,” said Jane. “Just the perfect character for this show.”
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